4-3-2006     

Ellaeenah

Death

Death is very joyous. Death is really the first step to something new. It is when we view it as the last step of something that we have been used to, that we begin to view it with a sense of agitation, of fear, with resistance. But none of us would ever view it with resistance, if we accepted it as this is the time when new doors open. All of us have experienced the thrill that runs through us, (yes, sometimes a thrill accompanied by a little bit of fear too) but the thrill always predominates when something new is about to happen to us. When you’re going to get, let’s say, married, or there’s the birth of a child or a birthday: a new year, there’s that thrill, that excitement, that happiness. One greets it with, “What will happen now? What will it bring for me?” and there are those tremors of anxiety, yes, but there is so much joy, too. It’s something new; you’re facing a new phase.

If only we could shift our perception to that and see death for what it truly is, then we will see that it is this commonality of death that prevails in all situations; not only the physical death that humans and others in the physical realm experience. In fact, the physical death is really the easiest to face, because you never consciously experience it. As soon as you’ve experienced it, you’re already on the other side of the door. So that’s the easiest death to face.

There are other deaths that are slightly more difficult to face: primary amongst those, death of relationships, because we view this as something coming to an end. If one would view that same relationship as a new phase beginning, one would joyously greet that phase with a full awareness that the new phase of a relationship might or might not need the two physical beings to be in such close physical proximity. A new phase of a relationship sometimes involves the moving apart of the physical beings, but opens doors to a rich interaction of Spirit. It is when we hold on to what we know, to what we are familiar with, to what we are comfortable with, that death becomes our enemy, because you know that as soon as it knocks at your door, it will not take NO for an answer. It will force you into a new beginning.

But doesn’t that seem like a paradox that someone has to force you into a new beginning? Doesn’t, in fact, seem the most natural thing to do? It’s like my putting a gun to Diana’s head and saying, “You have to enjoy your birthday. You have to celebrate it.” Birthdays are naturally enjoyed. Why? Because here is an opportunity for you to see something new unfolding for you, in the next 12 months.

Let us view everything from this perception, especially all our relationships. But we can only view them thus when we give ourselves, and the other, the freedom to grow, and be the way they need to be in any moment in the NOW. That’s when you will say, “I have evolved. S has evolved. With our evolution, our relationship has to evolve.” If S and I held onto the past and said three years ago, we had ‘this’ kind of friendship and that must continue always, then what happens to our evolution that has taken place, to the growth process? Are we not ready to experience that growth process through our relationship, through our friendships, even if it means that the friendships, as we knew them, have to undergo a modification, an evolution? What is comfortable is what we hold onto. The fear of change is the greatest fear we all face. But let us understand why we face this fear.

What does CHANGE mean to us? Firstly, it brings up challenges: challenges of situations unknown, challenges of new ways of Being, new ways of thinking, new ways of interacting, new beliefs, new concepts, fresh new wisdom. All of this, when we speak of it, seems very appealing, but when one has to experience it, one begins to feel threatened because the familiar becomes like a very comfortable wall that we build around us, which is like our fortification. The tried and tested, the familiar, becomes our security net. If I know how D will react, then I know what she will say, I know what she will do; but when Diana evolves and her beliefs and her thoughts and her words change, then her change threatens me because it forces me to shift and change accordingly. It forces me into a situation where I have to now review my own beliefs, my own patterns, my own conditioning, my own thoughts; and though she may be ready to do that, I may not be as ready. That brings up my fear. My fortification now is being threatened.

Death does that to all of us; death of anything, all kinds of death. Let’s take a simple physical death; let’s say the dearth of a husband. If, by the will of God, I were to lose Y to physical death, the first thing I would have to face is, now all these various tasks which I just took for granted because they were done by Y, I will have to do and cope with personally. Now I have to take even more responsibility in the home. Now I have the responsibility of the children, their education, their marriages. Then comes the responsibility of facing my life alone. Then comes the question: without him am I incomplete? Has one part of me died or will this force me to look at myself? In such a situation too, one has to understand that death has opened two doors: one would be the spiritual doors for Y; the other would be the very real, tangibly physical doors for me, for my growth: to take full responsibility for self and family, to understand that I have now no one else with whom I can talk to about a decision for the family, it has to be my responsibility. Big one! It’s so easy to blame our spouses and say, “You made me take this decision, Y. I didn’t want to do it.” When Y is not there, whom do you blame? There is no one to blame. All of this, this vast scenario comes before you, and that is why death is feared.

Newness is always a challenge, but if we know deep within our very core, that though a relationship has died or a person has died or there is the ‘death’ of a job situation, in all these ‘deaths’ there is something new that has opened up for you, you will move your focus from the grief, from the regret, from the blame, from the anger, and shift the focus towards searching for those doors leading to the unknown, the new, the challenging. Sometimes, the doors are not very obvious, not because they are not there, but because your vision is dimmed by the focus that you have given for so long to regret and tears and remorse and anger and guilt. By this focus your vision has dimmed. But, look for those doors; those doors will be there, wide open to embrace you, and you will be able to walk through the new doors of life to a rebirth.

Every death is a rebirth, every death. In fact, in relationships, those of us who have been in long term relationships, when you review your relationship today, compare it to what it was when you first started, it’s completely different, isn’t it? It seems an entirely different relationship and you sometimes wonder is this the same relationship, are we two the same persons? The entire scenario has changed, the equation has changed, and yet we say it’s the same relationship. The two individuals may be the same human beings, maybe they’re still ‘husband’ and ‘wife’, but the relationship has undergone several ‘deaths’ and ‘rebirths’. That relationship when you were just courting each other, when you were on Cloud 9 and everything seemed pink and rosy, and he brought the flowers and the chocolates, and nothing that he did was ever wrong, was one relationship. And then it died… it died and the doors were opened to another phase in the relationship where he didn’t need to constantly prove himself with the chocolates and the flowers, and you didn’t need to constantly blind yourself into believing he is flawless. You accepted all parts of him (maybe with a little resistance) but you knew they existed, as he knew that something less than ‘blind idealism’ existed within you. So the relationship went through rebirth there.

Many women tell me, “My husband changed the day we got married.” And I’m saying, “How is that possible? How can he change the day he got married?” Ah! It went through another rebirth where he didn’t need to keep on impressing you and keep on proving himself to you. Maybe that is what you considered as changed the day we got married. But that’s great…. maybe you went through a relationship of getting to know each other completely, not through those rose-coloured spectacles. When you look at each other without those spectacles, that relationship often becomes one of fault-finding. Then that relationship dies and there comes, for most of us, yet another ‘rebirth’, where you have seen it all, and now the doors have opened to full acceptance of it all: where that first great flush of love returns but this time, in maturity; not out of being immature, not needing the flowers and the candles to say, “Ah! He loves me.” Of course, the flowers and the candles feel great, if they appear occasionally. When Y comes home with one little rose and says, “This is for you”, it feels great that when he saw the rose he thought of me. But I don’t need it anymore, so if he doesn’t bring that rose to me, I won’t feel that he’s stop loving me. It’s not the same relationship because he is not what he was and I am not what I was. We have both grown; we have both evolved. The physical seems to still be the same.

Actually, the ‘spirit’ behind the physical has also died. It’s a fresh new birth of Spirit. That, which was, at that point, Y, is no more. I’ve no idea when it died. I didn’t mourn it; I just welcomed the open doors of the death of that part or the death of those parts, knowing that they had finished their work together and now, these two have to do their work together. Just because the physical seems to remain the same, doesn’t mean that the relationship is with the same person. In fact, if I were to sit back and view it, I’m having a relationship with a completely different individual. Y is not even the same Y he was 5 years ago. Thank God! And I’m sure at this moment he’s also saying thank God, Ell isn’t the same Ell of five years ago. Five years is often like a lifetime.

Let us allow ourselves to evolve. Let relationships grow and modify. If they have to grow through a process of ‘death’, which is sometimes quite difficult, we’ve got to let it be. Not all ‘deaths’ are easy. Sometimes both of us have resisted the changing relationship but eventually, we’ve realized there is no way to fight it. The only way one can survive joyously and grow with this experience is to grow with that ‘death’. What do you hold onto when everything is so transient, when nothing is permanent, when day doesn’t remain day and turns to night and the moment you focus on night, it again becomes day, when the moment you look up in the sky, the star that was there 15 minutes ago, is no more? What does one hold on to? In fact, why should you hold on to anything?

Let there be joy of a moment-to-moment birth, a moment-to-moment newness, a moment-to-moment life of acceptance, acceptance of what IS in that moment; you will realize you won’t hold on to anything from the past. When that joy does not dwell in our hearts, what do we go through, again and again? He did this to me. She said that to me. That’s death while living. Let it go.

You remember everything someone else has done. We very rarely remember everything we have done. We don’t choose to remember that. We choose to allow those memories to die. We choose to allow new memories of ourselves to come up. Give that same joyous respect to someone else. Let new memories evolve, come up.

There are so many, I find, whose fathers and mothers have died years ago, but they will say, “My father never allowed me this. He always did this. He was always good to my brother, not to me.” Sometimes, I ask, “How long ago did your father die?” I’m shocked, sometimes when they say 25 years. Your father is still as alive, in your memory, as he ever was. You have not allowed his death to open doors to you; to view him from a different perspective, which you could because you have evolved in 25 years. And that is the time death is sad. It’s not joyous because you haven’t taken the opportunity death has given you.

So let yourself die, moment-to-moment, and re-birth, moment-to-moment; a fresh new experience. Whatever happened even an hour ago was only an experience. LET IT GO. Don’t convert that experience into a strong memory one holds on to. It’s an experience. It’s like never having tasted fish and going to a seafood restaurant and eating fish: the experience may be pleasant or not pleasant, but you had the experience. You don’t hold onto it and live the rest of your days saying fish is bad. (Laughter) Yes, it is silly, isn’t it? But all of life is a ‘fish’ experience; all of it. If it was not pleasant, acknowledge it and let it go. Pleasant? Great! Let it go, too. In this way you die constantly, because you are born constantly.

Evolution is a process of death. There has to be death for there to be life. The old has to give way to the new. Don’t hold onto anything that was old. If you need to hold on to something, first ask yourself why. Why do I need to hold onto that? Is there a fear within? Let me evaluate that fear. What is the fear of newness that I am, at present experiencing? Be gentle to yourself. Be kind to yourself, but mostly honour yourself for your greatness. Honour yourself for the tremendous power that you have. Once you know your power, nothing, no death, small or big, will ever faze you. Remember the words of Caesar: The brave tastes death but once; the coward dies a thousand deaths. Why live in fear? What is the worst that can happen in any situation? Ask yourself that: what is the worst that can happen? When one sees it in that perspective, one understands that you have the power to meet the worst. Anything else that happens is always less than the worst.