RELATIONSHIPS…FRICTION AND HARMONY

Ellaeenah, speak to us of relationships please. And the reason for the friction that we experience.

Not all universes, dimensions, races have relationships. They don’t have male and female union. Our earth does have relationships and it is important for us to understand why. Why do we need relationships? We need relationships in order to complete ourselves. We find it difficult, in the human race, to complete ourselves without having an external source. That is why you will find spiritual masters, spiritual leaders have transcended the need for a relationship; they do not need an external source to complete who they are; they have been able to find and assimilate within themselves the 2 opposing polarities of energies that are required for completion.

Now that’s the crux: in order to have a relationship you need to have two opposing polarities; you can’t have a relationship with the same energy. Very often, when you have a person exactly like you, you will find the person rather boring. Why do we get attracted to someone? It is our way of pulling that opposing polarity into our realm so that we merge with that opposing polarity. So I would have to draw into my sphere an energy structure that is opposing my own; that does not have characteristics as I experience them; that, in fact, has a lot of opposing realities as he or she is experiencing.

This is wonderful because it helps us complete our own energy structure, but because the two structures are so diametrically opposite, it creates friction. Now here’s the paradox… on the one hand, you need the opposition, and on the other hand, the opposition itself creates the conflict. It seems as though it’s one of those Catch 22 situations, that’s no win/no win. But that’s not true at all.

Yes, relationships will bring in conflicts and agitation, but through this conflict it demands that you understand the energy you have drawn into your life at that point of time, and why you have drawn it at that point. The understanding leads to self awareness which is the root of completion. To understand your energy structure and what it needs to complete itself, study your relationships at that point of time. What kind of relationships are you involved in? Don’t look only at parents or siblings, who are like a constant, but look at your friend circle as well. We have seen, in our lives, our friend circle changes with time. You have one set of friends who come into your life at a certain time, and then they drift away and a whole new set of friends come in. Of course, the most vital of relationships are those that you are romantically involved in; those are really, really strong because those are your strongest opposing polarities that have come in order to be resolved, in order to be united within you.

You may ask, “If I’ve united all opposing energies within me, does that mean that there is no relationship left with that person?” Most times, yes. When you see 2 people parting ways, in a happy manner, they have resolved the 2 polarities; there’s nothing left to do. In certain, very few cases, the joyous unity within, is shared by the two who still continue the relationship, now from the level of transcendence, which is almost divine in its nature.

What happens when relationships go sour? First of all: the 2 have gotten caught in the conflict. Because they haven’t understood the purpose of a relationship, the conflicts that come into a relationship become larger than themselves. Once you know why you are in a relationship, the conflict will remain smaller than you, and then you can choose to end the relationship or stay in it, but then it’s a choice of will exercised; it’s not the conflict that pulls your reins. You see, when the conflict pulls your reins, you get into turmoil. If I’ve had a spat with someone and, out of anger, we decide to split; the conflict has pulled our reins. But if we are able to be free of anger and resentment and blame, and say, “We’re not able to get along; let’s part ways” then we are still larger than the conflict. But most of us, at most times, get so involved strongly in the conflict that we are unable to be detached from it. Of course this is understandable because we are all human beings, and as such, reactivity is still a large part of our energy behaviour.

And it is in the reaction that our conditioning and emotional and mental programming comes in. In every relationship you will play out a certain role. We don’t realize this; but it is important to question: what is the role I am playing in this relationship? Sometimes, you are in a man/woman relationship but you are actually playing rescuer and victim. Sometimes, you are playing the role of teacher and student. Sometimes, you play the role of mother and son; sometimes, of father and daughter. Though we don’t realize it, a significantly large majority of relationships play the drama of master and slave.

Now let us see what is happening to many of us who have been on the journey of self-empowerment. Let us assume that you have been playing out, with your spouse/partner, the drama of master and slave. In the course of daily living, every one of us is growing, expanding, and our energy structures are evolving. With this, the ‘slave’ role player in a relationship may change considerably in inner power, but the conditioning, being strong, does not permit you to make this change outwardly. Thus, the role still appears to be that of the slave, but inwardly, you’ve already become master. There is an inner conflict in you, which is manifested in your relationship as rage, resentment against the spouse or the partner, who used to originally play the ‘master’ role. That’s because suddenly you want to shift the role; you’re not happy with being slave anymore. Thus the conflict escalates, especially if the partner is unwilling to make the shift with you, which happens very, very often.

When you choose to shift the equation, and the other person is not ready to change their role, there is no common ground left because the conditioning has been broken. Either the 2 decide, together, to shift into another equation, or they have to go through a tremendous upheaval. One has decided: I’m not shifting and one has decided: I’m not returning to the old equation. Now the energy flow between the two is completely different.  You have to allow the energies to settle find another equation.

But then the relationship becomes more tumultuous doesn’t it?

Of course! But though it is tumultuous, if you know that this is the role I was playing and this is the role I am shifting out of, and if there is communication, then the 2 know what is the shift that is taking place is, and why it is taking place.

And what if there is no communication?

That is when the conflict gets bigger than the two. The only way out, when the conflict gets bigger than the two, is to part ways, either temporarily or permanently. It’s the only way out. When the conflict gets bigger than the partners, there is no harmonious way you can stay in the relationship. If it is not possible (for whatever reason) to part physically, then you must place an emotional distance between you and partner, till your energy structures can find another more comfortable equation for you both.  Please understand, though, that this can be a very difficult phase to go through. Conflict in a relationship is a wonderful spur as long as it remains within the sphere of the relationship. For the conflict to stay within, the other relationship has to be bigger than it so that it can embrace and encompass the conflict.

Once you know the role you are playing, you have to question, “Why am I playing this role?”  The inner reasoning may go like this, for example…. Why do I externally play a tyrant? Because I’m inwardly feeling like a victim. This means I have given away my power. I’ve given away my power to X who, I feel, is now pulling my strings because I have given him my reins. Now I begin  the process of taking them back. How will you do this? In small ways: by not allowing X to do things for you which had earlier been dependent upon X. Do these yourself, or choose not to do them at all.

When you are shifting a role, you have to do everything opposite to what was taking earlier. You can’t go back to your old patterns; you have to be very careful and not slide back into them. Do whatever you have to do to take the power, the reins, back into your hands because it is only when the reins are back into your hands completely, that you will accept the other fully. As long as you are caught in an inner power struggle, you will continue to blame and resent the other.  Once you don’t perceive a power struggle, you are complete knowing that its all about you, not about the other.

We have to carefully study ourselves in a relationship. What is my conditioning? What is my need for emotional security? Maybe there are abandonment issues, rejection issues, survival issues, self-worth issues.

If relationships go sour and you have to take a break, and if those breaks are disturbing, how does one heal?

Your power has been shattered. Relationships have this ability to take away from us, what we feel is, our deepest core essence. You feel completely and utterly depleted. In order to heal, you must first allow yourself to go through that depletion phase. Why? If you try, in that period, to deny yourself the time you need to deplete, you will never allow the old energies of hurt, of pain, of being dominated or abused, to completely dissipate, because you will go into a space of denial and think you’re fine. You’re not fine. Allow yourself the grief. Whenever there is loss of anything, you must allow yourself grief; it’s very, very important because that’s the time of depletion. Allow the complete depletion to take place. You feel as though your inner core is depleted. It’s not being depleted; no one can deplete your inner core. What is being depleted is the violence of your relationship. By violence, I don’t just mean being physically abusive; an emotionally traumatic relationship is also a violent relationship. You can’t be in denial of your pain. Give yourself as long as it takes to deplete completely.

In those weeks or months, find yourself just one person with whom you can talk or vent. Vent all that you need to, all the blame and rage and frustration that you feel. Tell it all to that one person who is there to support you, who is there to strongly hold you and contain your emotional collapse. This is not the time to fall into spiritual entrapment about ‘I forgive’ and ‘I understand the other’s pain’. No, be honest about your rage and blame. You are not becoming spiritually less because of this.

It seems as though you will never get over it, but you must give yourself the freedom to completely expiate the pain, in the manner you need to expiate. There will come a time when you vent, but it will be at a much reduced level. You know then that the energies are being depleted.

After old energies have been cleared, you will come to a realization, very naturally, that it’s all about you. That’s the time the true healing begins. Then you start asking yourself: this is the role I played; why did I play this role? From where did it come? What do I need to do now?

Before you enter another relationship, have this complete awareness of yourself, so that the next relationship is not the duplicate of this one. Otherwise, the partners only change faces; the relationship remains the same. One may beat you up physically, the other beats you up emotionally; the equation still remains the same. If I need to play victim, I need a tyrant in my life; otherwise how will I play the victim? If I want to play master, I need a slave in my life, so I will draw the slave in my life.

If I want to play master and S wants to play slave, we’ll instantly attract each other. We’ll be very strongly attracted to each other; we’re coming from opposing polarities. It will be a great relationship until one of us decides to shift.

What happens when there is a broken relationship but one wants the other back?

Before going back to an old relationship, you first need to figure out if you want to go back to it the way it was. I tell many who come to me for counseling not to manifest what they don’t really wish for. You are telling me you want to go back to the relationship but do you really want to go back to this relationship? Then they say, “No. I don’t want to go back to the way it was. I want this person but not the way he/she is. I want him/her to change in this manner.” How? The other person still remains the same. You may want to change, but that person is not ready to change.

When you say you want to go back to a relationship, what you are really wishing for is the relationship to give you that ‘something’ that it gave you in the first three months maybe. But see how the universe plays a wonderful game with all of us. Let us assume I need S in my life as the slave, and she needs me in her life as the master. She and I have to be attracted to each other. We must fall in love with each other. In that period of falling in love, the universe temporarily blinds us from any conditioning or programming that we have been subjected to. We only see the wonderful aspects of each other, which is really the reflection of who we are. The conflicts are also the reflection of who we are, but in the initial stages a curtain conceals these from us. Why? Unless you have that person in your life, how will you resolve the opposing energy? So it’s a deliberate curtain that falls till you get fully involved in that relationship. Then the curtain starts to rise revealing to us the polarities.

So what you are really saying when you say you want to go back to the relationship is: I want the relationship to be what it was when the curtain was down. And that, my dear friend, is just not possible. If you want to go back to the relationship, that’s great. But do it knowing the realities: This is what he/she is. This is what I am. The second time around the focus needs to shift from the partner to you. Only then will you be able to maintain the balance.

There is a lady who is coming to me for help. She said, “I don’t want to end my marriage.” I asked her why. She replied, “It’s a commitment I’ve made. I will stay with this man. He’s a lovely man but he’s a complete and utter drunk. My sons don’t like their father. I don’t want that to happen.” I asked her what she had come to me for and she said, “I want you to teach me how to accept him.” I told her honestly that she must know that her acceptance of the situation won’t change it. He would still be what he was.

People have this misconception: if I change, the environment will change. Not necessarily. It’s just that you will not react to the environment, and so the environment seems to change because now it loses the power to agitate you. Your balance is then reflected in the outer balance. In a relationship, there are 2 people involved, 2 distinct energy structures with their own free will choices, and because you change it doesn’t mean that the other changes; it’s just that you stop reacting. That’s why you feel the other has improved. When I’m reacting, I’m seeing only flaws; when I’m taking responsibility, I see flaws and strengths and so it suddenly feels as though he’s improved. He’s not better or worse; he’s what he was. But now you’re seeing him beyond a restricted focus.

So stay on in a relationship that’s filled with conflict or go back to it but this time, do it with truth; with the blinkers off. This is who he is; it’s not going to change unless he wants to change, and when he wants to change.

When the curtain rises and yet you feel you want to be there, you are solving the issue.

That’s it! You are solving the issue within yourself. You are resolving an energy, within yourself, which you need to resolve.

In an issue you’re trying to resolve, for e.g. you’re scared of marrying a drunk because he won’t be able to look after you, and you solve that issue? Doesn’t he stop being a drunk then?

No. You’ve resolved your issue. He may still drink, but you’re not scared any more.

How do you raise your self-esteem when the partner has brought you down and you feel you’re to blame?

We begin to internalize. When relationships end, you will either come out of it a ‘tyrant’… I showed the bitch…. or you will come out of it a ‘victim’… I ‘m lost. He/she’s out of my life and I’ve collapsed. I’ve no life left anymore. Either one of these 2 polarities we choose to survive with. This is our survival system. Most times, you feel you have collapsed. You have internalized all the various things you have heard: You are worthless. You don’t have the ability to be broad-minded…..

You begin to internalize all of this as truth. Why? When the relationship ends, there is a need to blame. We go through two opposite reactions: we blame the other and we blame ourselves. This occurs because you have internalized the words. How does one start breaking that internalization? If you had a healthy self-esteem before the relationship ended, you’ll find this much easier to do. If you were already caught in the grip of lack of self-esteem, this is going to make it even worse.

You need to make a list: These are the things he/she called me: nasty, mean, cruel, etc. How many of these do I know to be true about me? Now, out of 10, 5 may be true; 5 not. Throw those out. Now these 5 you know to be true. Whatever you have ticked, now start giving them marks; the higher the mark, the more of it you do possess. You may ask me, “How will I know if it’s true?” If you don’t know, who will? Who knows you better than yourself? Don’t tell me you don’t know; that’s an escape route.

What if you’re in denial?

That can happen. Give yourself the space to be in denial of something; you won’t be in denial of everything. You may be in denial of some, but at least you’re working on others; at least you’ve made a start. But the 2 that you’ve identified, lets say you’ve given one 3/10 and one 7/10. Now start working on those two aspects of self. In this way you empower yourself by self awareness and break free of the other’s grip.

Remember, my friends, because someone calls you something, it doesn’t make you that. I had a child, in class, who came crying to my office one day. He said a teacher had called him a foul name. I asked him, “Are you that?” He said, “Of course I’m not.” “So then why are you crying? If I were to call you a table or a chair, would you cry?” “No. I know it’s not true.” Then I said, “Listen to yourself. He called you this name and you are saying it’s not true, but you’re crying. You’ve allowed him to make you believe it’s true. What have you done? You’ve given away your power to that teacher. You know it’s not true but you are hurting. Why are you hurting? Because you’ve internalized that truth.” So, why are you hurting? That’s the next question. Why have you internalized it? We spoke about it and then he realized that it reminded him of his dad who shunned him. Other words wouldn’t have hurt him but this one did because of an unpleasant association and painful memory.

When you internalize another’s opinions and words, and they are hurting you, taking away your self-esteem, your self-confidence, ask yourself: Why have I internalized this truth? From where is my pain coming that I’ve internalized this truth, even though I know that I’m not this? So he called you ‘immature’, a ‘flirt’. Ask yourself, Am I truly a flirt? Your answer is No, I’m not. Then why do you believe it? That word ‘flirt’ is bringing back some other memory and that’s why you are internalizing the word ‘flirt’ and it’s hurting you.

If we use relationships, with all the delightful pain that they cause to us, every moment we learn something about ourselves. Then you come to a stage where there is pain but you can handle it. As soon as the pain has hit here, you know it’s time to go within to see what is happening. The more you do that, the more reduced are the polarities.

2008 onwards, relationships go even more askew. Why? By 2012, the world goes into a space of unity, which means we have four years to resolve polarities. Are you going to drop out of every relationship? Don’t try and be a martyr either and stay on in a relationship; neither extreme works.

But the more positive aspect of this truth is: those who look within, those who know their own truths, attract more joyous relationships into their lives. The less you know of yourself, the more your relationships will give you conflict, the more you’ll get caught. The more you know of yourself, even though the external might be the same, you will be in a space of complete equilibrium. You may tip this way and that, but you will regain your balance.

When you know yourself, you can actually see something taking place in a relationship and say: OK. In a past, I would have freaked out, like a banshee and today, it’s not really important because I’m realizing how stupid I was.

It’s not stupid. When we’re younger, we’re more emotionally immature; we are less spiritually strong; these incidents affect us far more.

We didn’t have the knowledge either.

True

It comes to a stage when you realize that the person who is hurting you is hurting himself more than he’s hurting you. And when you come from that realization, the strength comes from within.

Absolutely! That’s when the compassion and empathy comes in. That’s completely true but, I do caution you, that a lot of times we get caught in, what I call, spiritual entrapment. You begin to say intellectually appealing statements like Oh! He’s hurting more than I am. I can see through his pain. He’s had such a terrible childhood; I’m not blaming him at all. I have to gently tell them, “You won’t be less spiritually evolved if you blame. Let’s do a meditation and we’ll go through the whole scene and whatever you needed to say harshly, say it in the meditation.” You should hear the amount of blame that comes out during that meditation. The meditation gives them a permitted limit to do it. Blame is not something you need to feel guilty about. We’re blaming people all the time.

For the period of time in which you need to blame, you go into a blame mode, you’re in such a deep rut, and it acts as a sort of false barrier to stop you crashing further.

Not only that. Blame has a strong energy of anger, not rage. It can use that energy to lift you up. Being angry with someone stops you from going into an emotional depressive rut. You shouldn’t say: “I can’t blame. It’s all about self-responsibility.” We know that, but sometimes we need to blame. It’s absolutely OK.

What about relationships being mirrors?

I’ve already said that: X and I fall in love. We see each other as wonderful. What’s he seeing? He’s seeing his positive qualities in me and I’m seeing my positive qualities in him. So we love each other. And then I start seeing my negative qualities in him and he, his negative qualities in me.

If there’s a fantastic relationship between 2 people; everything is perfect, comfortable but the whole world and every situation is against it. Why are you in a relationship that is perfect to two but not to others?

Are you in a relationship with the world or with that person?

What I’m saying is: why have we been thrown into a situation like that?

What you’re really asking me is: I have actually believed what the world said but I don’t want to believe it. Why are you internalizing someone else’s odd? So if N or S or X or Y have an issue, you say, “I know it’s perfect but N and E and S are saying it’s not perfect”. Why are you internalizing their truths?

So is there a fear involved in that?

Of course! What is it triggering? The child who was called an awful name, had triggered a memory of his father. It takes a while to go in and instigate and provoke those memories, those hidden truths to come up.

What if we use these role acts, like victim, tyrant, as escapism? Suppose it’s Rita and me and before I can pounce on Rita, she says, “Oh! I’m the stupid one.”

That’s a lovely game play. That’s her defense; she’s won it. She’s the tyrant in this equation. If you have recognized it, you say, “Relax. I don’t think you’re stupid at all. I just want to say what I am feeling.” What Rita is doing by saying she’s the stupid one is she is placing an armour against your attack. She is feeling threatened by you. It’s now your responsibility to ensure that she is not threatened and you still have an opportunity to say what you need to say.

Sometimes, our partners pick up a lot through our voice; our tone will have a certain edge to it and more often than not, our eyes speak volumes. You tell your partner that you want to have a conversation but your partner is looking at your eyes, which are saying, “I hate you.” What conversation are you going to have with your partner? You’ve already told him: I hate you. That’s a goodbye to any conversation. Someone said to me, “I modulate my voice when I’m talking to my child.” It’s very important to modulate your voice when you talk to anyone, but if you have an edge in your voice, you’ve lost the battle.

Unless you are in a space of equilibrium, don’t even venture. If, say, Rita has said, “I am stupid.” You have reacted; walk out at that time. Don’t go into that space just then; give her and yourself time to calm down. She’s already in a fortress, so she’s already blocked you out. Wait for the moment when the fortress is not there; maybe over a cup of coffee. Create these spaces for yourself, for your partner, for your relationships. In that safety zone, when both have no fortresses, then start speaking. “I’ve never found you stupid. If I might say something to you, which seems to you as a put-down, I’m sorry. I’m not saying it to make you feel stupid. It’s just that I want to tell you my point of view.” Instantly, your partner is listening because, for once, you haven’t used the ‘you’ sentences; you have not blamed your partner. You have said, “I take the responsibility.”

If Nisha perceives something that I’m saying as a threat, that means there is a threat. I should say it in the way Nisha can hear it; I can’t say it in the way I would hear it. I should talk Nisha’s language, not mine. Always remember: if that person has perceived you as a threat, there is truth in it. Don’t ever undermine someone’s truth. You may have not meant it; but if there wasn’t any threat, why did the person feel it? Your truth is truth and that person’s truth is not truth? Never say to anyone: that’s not true. It’s the worst disrespect you can give people.

But what do you do if it’s really not true?

It can never not be true. It is their truth. Someone reacts and says something that you feel is not true but he feels it is. You must think: “how can I say this in a way he will not hear it as a threat or a put down or whatever it is that they are feeling?” Sometimes our inner definitions of words are different and cause the issue.

If you stop saying that’s not true, you will give yourself the time to say: but why does this person feel this way? If you stop defending yourself and justifying yourself all the time, you will allow yourself to think: Heck! He finds me this way; there must be some truth. It may not be your truth but it’s his truth and so it’s true.

You can still be who you are, without compromising yourself or your truths; but you don’t need to throw it at someone’s face. You don’t need to hurt someone with it. And if that person is hurting, you must take the responsibility to ensure that what you have hurt, you heal.

In every broken relationship, there is not one person who is hurting, both are hurting. It’s not one person who’s broken the relationship; both have broken the relationship. It’s never about one. However mean the person might have been, there are still 2 persons involved, in a relationship. You can’t say it’s all about the other; it’s 50% responsibility on both.

What if I walk out of a relationship because I’ve been harrowed for many years?

Remember when your wife is harrowing you, it’s from an emotionally lacking space. Your responsibility (that 50%) is not to blame her for the harrowing but to say: where is it coming from? What space am I not providing?

It’s always two. It’s the most difficult thing for us to accept that I am not blameless. It’s not blame; let’s not use those words anymore. Blame always brings about a defense mechanism in us. Let’s just say: what is there in me that I need to be aware of? Then the picture changes. Maybe the child, when he was growing up, has not seen parental love and companionship. He’s seen his mother haranguing his father and his father philandering. He’s never seen unity. How is this boy going to be a good husband to you? He doesn’t know what it is. He doesn’t know what it is to be loved completely; he only knows how to defend himself. He’s only known throughout his life to grab emotional security and love and affection, wherever he can get it because what if it should disappear? How can he be a good husband to you?

The girl who has grown up with sexual abuse, how is she going to give you of herself 100% until she has no memory of that abuse; that memory is still strong? What is she going to give you? She’s in a place of constant threat and defence. And the husband wonders what is going on. But do you know where she’s coming from? That’s the 50% responsibility: have you made the attempt to know that?

You don’t need to stay on in the relationship after knowing that. My talk here is not about staying on in the relationship. You have the full liberty to say: I understand where this is coming from but I am hurting too much to be able to deal with his pain. It’s just that if you acknowledge that person’s pain, the blame reduces. As soon as the blame reduces, you stop internalizing the truths he’s told you.

It’s not about staying in the relationship or splitting; that’s a choice each one of us has to make and why we do it is our own personal choice. It’s about using the relationship for the purpose that the human race created relationships. They were created in order to ensure that the polarities within us are reflected outside so that they can stop being our opposites; they can now merge into us. The relationship doesn’t start when there are blinkers over your eyes; it’s when the blinkers fall that the true relationship begins.

Then you can decide whether you want to stay on in the relationship, or move on. You cannot permit yourself to remain in any relationships that’s making you feel small all the time because if it makes you feel small, there will enter resentment. There will come in such conflict that you won’t be able to resolve it. Everything in a relationship must make you feel big; even the conflict must make you feel big. I’m big enough to deal with the conflict. Don’t accept a relationship or a person who makes you feel small. If you’re feeling small, ask yourself why you are allowing it. Do you need to stay on and allow it? Do you need to stay on and not allow it? Do I need to move out and not allow it? There are 3 options and you can choose whichever one suits you best, and there is no right or wrong decision; eventually, your life will go exactly where you have chosen it to go.

MEDITATION

Let us now go through a meditation to heal a relationship. That relationship might have been 50 years ago or 5 years ago or 5 days ago, but that can still cause pain in you. It doesn’t mean that you have emotionally broken up but it still made you feel not so good about yourself; somewhere within you, you’re feeling smaller than you are. It can be any relationship; it doesn’t have to be an intimate, romantic one. But focus only on one, even if the person is dead.  We are going to see why that person is in your life; what is the opposing polarity which you have not assimilated.

Very firmly, clearly, in a detailed manner, focus on this person: the name, the physical touch, smells that you associate with that person, habits, pleasant memories, not so pleasant memories. Bring that person alive. If anger comes up, allow yourself to completely be angry. If tears come up, allow the tears to fall. Live that relationship, completely, just now. Feel as small as this relationship makes you feel. Don’t try and intellectualize anything; don’t try and escape or deny or rationalize.

It’s making you feel small; it’s making you feel unimportant or stupid; there is humiliation or abuse or insult involved. Live it! Feel that feeling. Let it come back and make you feel it all over again.

Now turn, very briefly, in to your physical body. When you think about this person, at least one place, in your physical body (don’t pre-decide that it will only be in your chakras) will react. Either you will feel it as a physical reaction or you might just ‘know’ it intuitively. If it is possible to touch that part of you, touch it physically. If it’s not possible to touch that part, emotionally touch that part. Be completely aware of where that energy is blocked in this physical body of yours.

For the first time, give yourself the full permission to say what you need to say to this person. What did you feel then? What do you feel now, if it’s a current relationship? You thought it was unfair. You thought it was dominating you. You thought you were being suppressed or abandoned; you felt used or abused or violated. Say it to this person. Say: this is how I feel. Do not say: this is how you made me feel. You can say you are angry or hurt; you may need to abuse him/her. It’s OK!

Now allow yourself to be open. Don’t have any doubt about the fact that you will get your answers, here and now. Focusing very strongly again on that physical part of you, on this person, ask yourself: what is the opposite polarity that this person came/ has come into my life for? Don’t ignore any answers; it might not make any sense to you right now. Go along with it. What aspect of me do I have to be complete about? Now understand how this person, this relationship brought/brings out this incomplete aspect in you? What were the incidents? You can focus on the rows, the harsh words, the conflicts. How did they bring out this opposing polarity, which you couldn’t see at that time but which you can see now?

Re-live at least one conflict, one quarrel, but this time keep in mind, that through this incident you have to unify this opposing polarity within you. View this conflict again from that point of view. Suddenly that conflict will take on a new meaning. Understand the relationship better from this new sense of self-awareness, from this awareness of your opposing polarity. The relationship now will become less stressful, the memory less painful, because there is a deeper level of understanding.

Now open your eyes and follow what I’m doing. You will work on the left hand side of your face. This is an extremely effective way of releasing your pain and you can do this for 45 days, non-stop, if the pain is very deep. The more times in the day you can do it, for 45 days, you’ll find that you’ll be free of pain completely. Always on the left hand side of your face only. Press hard. These are points where all meridians cross so you’re actually removing memories from meridians. You’re also acknowledging your pain.

(Third Eye) Although I am in deep pain (say it internally), I know that I am perfect. I know that I am wise. I know that I am powerful.

(Top inner corner of the eye) Although I am in deep pain, I know that I am perfect. I know that I am wise. I know that I am powerful.

(Under the center of the eyebrow, where the bone is) Although I am in deep pain, I know that I am perfect. I know that I am wise. I know that I am powerful.

(Outer edge of the eye) Although I am in pain, I know that I am perfect. I know that I am wise. I know that I am powerful. (Whichever points really pain you, you know that they are blocked, so you are unblocking those meridians)

(The bone that is below the eye) Although I am in pain, I know that I am wise. I know that I am powerful.

(Between the nose and the upper lip) Although I am in pain, I know that I am perfect. I know that I am wise. I know that I am powerful. (Very often, when you are doing this meditation, faces flash in front of you. These are faces of past memories, of lifetimes maybe. By releasing this, you are releasing the face. Allow the face or the memory to come but don’t get caught in it.)

(Between the lower lip and the chin)Although I am in pain, I know that I am perfect. I know that I am wise. I know that I am powerful.

(On your throat, where the 2 bones meet; your finger will actually lie down on the bones there)  Although I am in pain, I know that I am perfect. I know that I am wise. I know that I am powerful.

(Heart chakra) Although I am in pain, I know that I am perfect. I know that I am wise. I know that I am powerful.

Gently allow the person to fade away. Embrace yourself for no one can embrace you better than you can; no one can love you more than you love yourself; no one understands you better than you do yourself; no one accepts you more than you can accept yourself.

You came today only to resolve that relationship because you’re ready to grow through it now.

I love you all.