22-4-2005 Pune

Talk by Ellaeenah

SELF REJECTION

This is a good topic because we have all done it at some time and we all continuously do it, intermittently, ‘rejecting of self’. The ironic part is as we find that we are growing in spirit, we reject ourselves even more. Why am I saying this? Because each one of us has, in our persona, aspects and attributes which we are not very happy with, and we reject those.

There are several ways we employ to reject those; one of the commonest ways is to say it doesn’t exist. This is not me. Several times (I’m talking from experience), when Masters say this is what we see in you, you say, “No.” I’ve done it. I’ve completely refused. I’ve said, “Sorry, I don’t think what you are telling me is right.” But I know deep within me I’m kidding myself because were it not true, he wouldn’t have mentioned it. So I’m rejecting that part of self by saying it doesn’t exist. But I must be aware that I have; that I’m playing a game with myself. This is one of the commonest ways to reject parts of ourselves.

Another very common way is to project that part onto someone else, and then condemn it. So I will project something onto Sohrab and then condemn Sohrab for that. Fortunately for me that’s not a game I play very often; in fact, I very rarely play that game. But I see that game played. I see that game played a lot, where an aspect or attribute of yourself you don’t want to look at, is projected onto someone else and that person is condemned, criticized. That’s another method we use to reject ourselves because if you were to look at the larger picture, if I reject Sohrab for something, condemn him for something, I am rejecting ME because there is no one else but ME. So when I am criticizing Sohrab I’m criticizing ME. I don’t have the courage to use the personal pronoun so I need to use Sohrab as my target. And, you know, it’s fine. It’s fine to play that game as long as you know you’re playing that game.

Be aware of the games you’re playing. You’re not going to be stopping the game; that’s not the purpose. Just be aware of the game and accept your faults while you’re playing that game. That’s important. We need those games. We aren’t, any of us, so evolved that we can live without our games, which are our defense mechanisms. Just as if you were going to aim an arrow, I would need a shield in front of me. The games we play are our shields. Why should we reject them? We should embrace them, and the way to embrace them is to be aware of what we are doing, every moment.

So you may be rejecting yourself in either of these two games. I don’t know which one is yours; only you know best. I know what is mine, but because I’m in awareness of the game that I play, I play it for a very short period and then I say, “Let’s look at reality.” That’s how you accept yourself and grow.

Accepting of self does not mean acceptance of SPIRIT. In fact, you can’t reject Spirit so when Dhiren uses the word self-rejection and mum said self-acceptance, it doesn’t have anything to do with Spirit because how can I accept or reject spirit. I AM. I can only accept or reject that which is not me. Either of these 2 words means a separation from self. It means a lack of self-worth. It means a non-existence of courage to say, “Sorry, if I’m making you uncomfortable but you know I’m blunt, whether accept it or reject it.”

So when you say self-rejection, can you see the separation from self? Self-rejection is in itself a game. We play a game to perpetuate a game. Let us understand this. In the deepest core of our being, we actually love ourselves, but ego plays mind games and makes me believe I’m arrogant and I don’t like my arrogance so I’m going to reject that part of it. I’m not going to acknowledge it. I’m going to suppress it. I’m going to project it onto someone else. So that’s a mind game I’m playing. If you truly did not want that aspect of yourself, would you, as such a wise soul who has taken years in earthly time to figure out what your blueprint is, would you have put that into your persona? If there is dirt outside your home, do you sweep it into your home? What you bring into your home is always what you really want in your home. So would you have put something into your persona that you didn’t really want? And when you want something can there really be an element of dislike? Isn’t it then a mind game that you’re playing with yourself?

I have put arrogance into my persona. Why? I like my arrogance. It is through this attribute that I have learnt what true power is. I’ve put it in for a purpose. It might be ‘rubbish’ according to Diana, but so what? She won’t put it into her persona; she won’t bring it home.

Have you understood that clearly? At a larger level, you can’t reject any aspect of yourself; it’s the mind that makes you play the game. Why is this game played? Because there is such an acute need to be approved. Let people think well of me. Let me belong to the group I want to belong to. It’s so scary (and I’m talking through personal experience) to say, “I’m going to stand alone”.

You have accepted, all of you, with full confidence in yourself, to stand alone without another’s approval or validation. And why do we feel this sense of loneliness? Because we are still in the process of accepting it ALL. We’re still in the process of the self-rejection game. We haven’t let it go completely. The day we let this game go completely, we won’t feel lonely.

Diana: Can you give some guidance, if it’s a game, then what is the best way to play this game?

You play it fully. You play it completely. Ask any football player; can you play a game of football without being completely there in it? Play the game of self-rejection, knowing it’s a game, and play it fully. See how long you last. Any football player will say two hours max and then you’re tired. Play that game; reject yourself on and on and on and on. One day you’ll say, “I love ME. I really don’t want to reject myself. I really don’t”. That’s the moment of awakening, when you realize ego and all; you love all that you are…even when others find it distasteful. And then you won’t play that game again.

But remember, from that moment of awakening, you walk alone. Once you have awakened yourself to the game you are playing, you have to have the courage to stand alone. You have to have the courage to say, “I don’t need validation anymore.” You have to have the courage to face disapproval. You have to have the courage to see your own friends’ faces turned against you because they haven’t liked what you have spoken.

The moment you look at someone and they haven’t liked what you have spoken, you begin the game. E.g. if I were to tell Scherry something she did not like and I see disapproval on her face, I will try and re-present in terms, which, I think, she will accept better so that she won’t reject me. The moment I don’t want her to reject me, I must understand that it is because I’m playing the game of self-rejection; that is why I don’t want to see rejection on the outside. The moment you feel that ‘need’, understand that the game is on; then look, if you wish, “What is it that I’m rejecting about myself? What is so ugly? And if it were really so ugly, why have I put it into my persona? And does it make it ugly because someone else finds it ugly?”

You don’t stop, let’s say, buying dried flowers because another doesn’t like them; then why do you stop doing things significant for your growth, because others don’t like them? Bring it down to dried flowers; they lose their significance. Bring everything down to something small. It loses its power over you.

Scherry:  (..) supposing one person in the group is arrogant; then why do we judge them?

It’s because we are rejecting so many parts of ourselves. The moment I judge you as arrogant, I’m judging me as arrogant. It’s a part of me I don’t want to look at, so I externalize it, project it and say, “Scherry is arrogant. I condemn Scherry.” What I’m really condemning is the arrogance within me, which I don’t want to look at; which I don’t have the courage to look at… which is also fine. Can I, at least, have the courage to acknowledge that I’m condemning Scherry because I don’t have the courage to condemn myself? Then when I have the courage to look at my own arrogance, whenever it might be, I’ll do that. But at least the awareness that… I am condemning Scherry because I don’t have the strength to look into what I am condemning myself about; I am playing a game of self-rejection with myself… that awareness will give you a strength which will guide you onwards.

Scherry: That means that another person who is arrogant or selfish needs that trait to get through.

Of course! I have taken it for a reason. Arrogance is one side of the coin; the truth of power is the other. Scherry, if I have a coin, can I say I only want the head and not the tail? I can’t do that. So when I take something and make it mine, my characteristic, my soul characteristic, I take with it, its dual aspect. And I love my dual aspect because it helps me move from I AM NOT to I AM. I accept the whole coin. When I look at only the head and say the tail is ugly, then I’m playing the game of self-rejection.

Sohrab: What happens when you find distasteful in another a quality that you truly don’t feel you have, as in say, corruption?

Very, very many people have said that. “I know I don’t have it”. First of all, you can’t ever know that; that ‘knowledge’ is incorrect because if you find it distasteful in them, it is present in you, too. Yes, you may not have chosen to make it into a significant persona trait in this lifetime. Haven’t you seen your astro-charts? Some traits we mark as “Yes. This is in me” and other traits, “No.” Remember, it’s in your astro-chart, not mine. How is it in your astro-chart if it’s not part of you? Yes, it could very well be that this persona trait you have chosen, willfully, not to be a dominant in this lifetime, chosen, in fact, to make it completely dormant. That is very, very possible.

Scherry: So that means it doesn’t pertain in your life today?

Not today.

Scherry: Is it the past or the future.

It could be either. Let’s use your example of arrogance again. Let’s say that arrogance is a trait you criticize in others. Now if you can accept it, that it is part of you, you will understand that arrogance is something that you may not have chosen, for this lifetime, but it’s there in your persona, very much so. You may choose it as a dominant factor in a future lifetime. You see because you are a soul, Scherry, because you are a soul with only the trappings of the ego, the soul knows that this trait is mine, but the self-rejection game is on because the ego doesn’t want to look at it.

Scherry: So by that theory, every single person has every single negative and positive trait.

Absolutely.
Have you noticed that sometimes a person behaves in a certain manner, which I may find very irksome but which you see, but don’t find it of any significance for you. It doesn’t bother you as it does me. This is because you have completely accepted that trait in you, and in the fullness of acceptance have found completeness, unity, in that area. There is no separation there.

Sohrab: But another trap we could fall into is now we are conveniently playing the game again by saying it’s in a past life.

Of course you can play that game if you want to separate your lives. And that’s fine because it may be easier for people to say, “This is me and that is my past.” That’s fine. Not everyone can accept all this simultaneously. If you can’t and if you still need this illusion of, “This is me and that is different parts of me” it’s fine.

Our games are fine. Accept your games; don’t reject your games. JUST BE AWARE OF THEM. The awareness is going to help you resolve the root reason why you’re playing the game. So many people tell me, “I know it’s my game, Ell. Tell me why I’m playing it.” I don’t know. But what I ask is, is it really necessary to know that? All I tell them is, “Till you find out the root, can’t you just be aware?” You have no idea where awareness of yourself will take you. Just be aware of all that you are and accept it; accept it completely.

Leiloo: We all have parts of the creator in us.

The creator is I AM and I AM NOT.

Thank you all.