© Ellaeenah
www.jadefirelight.com

The first flush of marriage, the deep thrill of being wedded, the sweetness of new romance…how we wish this would never end! But, sadly, it does, and often it is replaced by disillusionment, fault-finding and absence of togetherness. The reason behind this void in a relationship is the hope that partners should be completely alike. This is an interesting expectation. I use the word ‘interesting’ because, in fact, your partner is more like you than you wish to acknowledge, and yet so little like you that you want to scream!!! Sounds like a paradox, does it not?
Let me explain this. All human beings live on planes of existence, simultaneously; the plane of the persona and the plane of the soul. That is why the human existence has been termed ‘dualistic’. On the personality level, we desire a partner who thinks like us, holds a common belief system, and talks the same language of love as we do. We believe that these parallels will ensure an environment free of conflict and disagreement. The plane of the soul is another story altogether. Our souls draw to us mirror images of who we are but who we do not wish to see!!! This is where the problem lies.

The soul is constantly urging you to acknowledge all parts of you; even those that you find too distasteful to look at squarely. It is your soul that brings to you your very special partner. ‘Marriages are made in heaven’ sounds clichéd, yes, but is truer than you realize. Your partner mirrors these hidden flaws in a manner that is too loud and too big for you to ignore. Your resistance to see your reflection in this human mirror sets off a series of events that separates you from the very person who is your staunchest soul mate. The togetherness that you yearn for can be yours as soon as you acknowledge that your partner’s worst flaws are your weakest traits. If they were not, you would be able to dispassionately view them as character flaws and rise above them. The fact that they entrap you, enrage you, and infuriate you, urges you to see that the strength of your reaction is equally proportionate to the force of your resistance.

Once you have accepted the validity of this truth, you are ready to move on to the next step towards togetherness. This is the step of self-awareness. Merely acknowledging that your partner reflects your hidden flaws is not enough; you have to accurately identify what is being reflected. For example, your partner’s insensitivity to your needs may not be the reflection of your inability to nurture another. It may well be the reflection of your inability to do what is needed for self, when it is needed for self; your insensitivity to self reflected in your partner’s dispassion. Your partner’s habit to lie may not reflect your inability to be truthful; it may reflect the inability to honestly portray yourself to the outside world without the safety of external masks and disguises. You can now appreciate that the second step cannot be hurried through. Remember you have spent a large part of your life rejecting those very attributes that you are now trying to unearth. Besides this, do not discount the power of your mind to make you believe that it’s all the other’s fault and that you have no responsibility in this.

The pattern of blame is strongly ingrained in the human psyche and is repeatedly used as a defence mechanism. Blame serves two purposes. It helps to make you feel better about yourself, because you can only fault that which you unconsciously feel superior to. It also serves as a powerful tool for punishment and shame. What you do not recognize is that the energy of blame causes you more harm than it does the other. It takes away all opportunity to be at peace with self. The inner battle draws to itself the energy of turbulence and violence.

Self-awareness moves you seamlessly into the third stage of togetherness. This is the most important of the three stages, because your failure in this will negate all the efforts that you have made in the first two. This stage is that of self-acceptance. The human psyche is so strongly conditioned by the environment to be ‘good’ that any movement away from the set norm is instantly considered worthy of chastisement. In this lies your failure. If you chastise yourself for the flaws that you have so bravely unearthed, you will spiral down into the bottomless pit of self-pity and depression or struggle to escape the ‘hideous reality’ by gratifying yourself through food, drink, drugs, sex, work, and so on. Neither is conducive to relationship harmony.

In the third stage it is important to remember an inviolable truth of the universe….the external replicates the internal. Unless there is harmony within you, you will not be able to enjoy the unity that you pray to experience with your partner. Self-chastisement and escapism only lead to inner strife, making you experience more of what you do not wish…. disconnection from your partner.

The sole (and soul!) means of cementing the togetherness is self-acceptance. When you accept yourself as a divine human being whose flaws are only hidden potential waiting to be tapped into, you will instantly understand and be compassionate to all around you, not only your partner. This inner tranquility draws towards it experiences of love, togetherness and fulfillment.

Do not wait for your partner to make the first move. Take on the responsibility of changing self and you will be thrilled to find your soul opening up doors you did not even know were waiting to be unlocked. When you seek togetherness, the focus must be on self, not the other. Do not fool yourself by using statements like ‘I forgive……” Instead be grateful to your partner ‘for giving’ you the opportunity to look into a mirror so unstained and pure.
In this space you can now support your partner to find the strength to go through their own process of self-awareness and self-acceptance, so that together you can create a marriage that reflects the beauty of your souls, the power of your minds, and strength of your emotions.