Growing Up As Parents (for Musings)



If I had my child to raise all over again,
I'd build self-esteem first, and the house later.
I'd finger-paint more, and point the finger less.
I would do less correcting and more connecting.
I'd take my eyes off my watch, and watch with my eyes.
I'd take more hikes and fly more kites.
I'd stop playing serious, and seriously play.
I would run through more fields and gaze at more stars.
I'd do more hugging and less tugging.
~Diane Loomans, from "If I Had My Child to Raise Over Again"



I have been a parent for over 16 years now, and the words of Diane Loomans poignantly tug at my heart strings. With my daughter today on the edge of womanhood, there is one truth that I know more clearly than any other: merely having a child does not make you a parent. Being a parent involves so much more than giving birth, or aiding in the process of procreation.

In the course of my work, many, many mothers have voiced the complaint that had, in the past, often rankled deep within me: Why do my children love the father more than they love me, when I am the one who does everything for them? I hear the pain in their voices and recognize their anguish. It is to alleviate this pain, that I write this Musings. My own pain took me on a journey of exploration about the role that each parent plays in a child’s life.

The mother’s role is that of cook, nurse, cleaner, driver, teacher, disciplinarian. All of this to be done while being caring, loving and nurturing. Tall order you might say, but, Mothers, let us hold our heads up high, that in the Divine Scheme only one person was found capable of doing all of this, and that is you…MOTHER!! Yes, it is definitely the mother who holds the home together. The problem is that while doing all the innumerable chores that we must do, we get too serious and lose our sense of fun and play. Often we just don’t seem to have enough hours in the day to do that. Fathers, on the other hand, are loved for their sense of horse-play, their humour and wit, their, what seems to be, an easy approach to life. And this is exactly where the resentment builds up within a mother towards her husband….that he has a place he can return to, to relax and not take charge, whereas there is no such place for the mother.

My dearest friends, let me give you a perspective that has helped me to see the truth of the roles of father and mother. There is no other more important person in a child’s life than a mother. If you believe that there is a God, even the role of God is secondary to a mother, for it is she who teaches her child of the greatness and love of God. The mother gives to the child a value system, a belief system, teaching of ‘right’ and ‘wrong’, of kindness and cruelty, of charity and sharing. Oh, there is so, so much that the universe has placed upon, what appears to be, the fragile shoulders of the mother. She must alone assume the reins of the home, emotionally, mentally and physically, and can never plead fatigue, even her task seems so endless that she forgets it is joyous as well.

The baby who cries, the toddler who screams, the child who frustrates, and the teenager who demands, are so irrevocably a part of her emotional and cellular beingness, that she cannot, for an instant, give herself the luxury of excuses and justifications. More than her husband and children can, she condemns her lacks and hates her inabilities. She is watched each moment by her child, and louder than any words she can utter, are her actions. From the innocent and ignorant viewpoint of the child, these actions are often judged harshly.

It is the mother who has been given the universal responsibility of providing a structure for the child. This is the most important and most difficult part of all her tasks. She must keep in mind the freedom of the spirit straining within her child, and simultaneously create structures that will encourage self-restraint and inner discipline. In this process she must collide with the rebelliousness of the child. More often than not, she does most of this in silence, hoping in vain that someone will hear what she cannot say. But, my dear friend, only another mother’s heart can empathize with your ‘aloneness’ and not judge you for the number of things you end up doing all wrong in spite of trying so hard.

And here we must understand the father’s role. By universal decree the father’s role is that of friend and exemplar. Why then resent him for being that…the provider of fun and light-hearted moments? Children love the merriment provided by the father, but are also deeply aware that it is the mother’s sacrificing dedication that gives him this privilege. No, they do not show this, but deep down within their hearts, they acknowledge that the foundation of a home is cemented by a mother’s sweat and tears.

As exemplar it is his behaviour that sets the stereotypes in the child’s mind. This role cannot be undermined and considered to be less important than the mother’s. It is by his behaviour and actions that the father will teach the child to be considerate, to be sensitive to the needs of others, to be dependable and responsible, to be strong and supportive, to persevere with courage, and more important than all of this, to respect and honour the many roles played by a woman. If you see a man abusing his wife, physically or emotionally, you can be right in your guess that the man’s father showed no respect towards the mother. If you see a man who supports and commends his wife, you know that the man’s father provided strong shoulders for his mother to lean upon. Dear Fathers, you teach your children by example. Look closely at your child’s behaviour patterns; be proud of the all that you done right, but observe where you have erred and hasten to rectify this. It is the mother’s responsibility to know and lay down the appropriate rules that govern the healthy growth of her child, but it is the father’s duty to ensure that these rules are honoured. The father, who silently observes the disobedience of these rules without any attempt to correct the situation, gives his children the tacit permission to dishonour the mother…. and thus all women.

Though children hate them, rules are vital in the growing up process of a child. This was so sadly emphasized when a young friend of mine cried, ‘My parents didn’t love me enough to lay down any rules for me. I was allowed all freedom, when all I wanted was the restraint that their love could have provided me.’ Children flounder without rules and structure, but rigidity and an unbending attitude can cause them as much harm as no rules at all. Unfortunately there is no rule book which teaches us exactly where this fine line is. We flounder and fail before we finally get it right. Remember the wise words of Bette Davis: If you have never been hated by your child, you have never been a parent.

The mother provides the child with the loving protection of her arms; the father gives them strong arms that can shoulder burdens. Neither is less important. And, no, my dear friends, children do not love their fathers more. Yes, in the ignorance of immaturity they do judge the mother more than the father, but in their ripeness, the dawn of understanding only strengthens the love they have always felt. Do not be fooled by the outer appearances of your child…..deep within the child’s heart, love is spelt
M-O-T-H-E-R.

Together, the mother and father turn the mechanism of knowledge into the power of wisdom. In turn, our children complete us as human beings, compelling us to reach towards our inner perfection. Along with our children, we grow too. Let us stop expecting constant praise from our children. The masterpiece is acquainted only with its own beauty, knowing naught of the greatness of the artist….and in this lies the genius of its creator!