My Journey from Control to Awakening
- EllaeenahJF
- 11 minutes ago
- 6 min read
Ellaeenah JadeFire
There was a time I really thought I had it all figured out. Bee’s knees, cat’s whiskers… these and other cliches fit me like a glove.
As a mum, I believed I knew exactly what my kids needed. As a wife, I was sure I was doing my best to support and protect my family. And as a teacher, I thought I understood the high-schoolers pretty well.
But deep down the pieces didn’t seem to fit quite right. I was missing something. I didn’t want to acknowledge the inner whisper that I was moving through life caught up in my own assumptions and selfish intentions.
Looking back, I can see how much I operated from control. I was trying to protect myself, and everyone I loved, from pain, from failure, from disappointment. I thought I was doing the right thing. But in truth, I was building walls around my heart, creating distance between myself and others, and blocking the flow of genuine connection. I prided myself for being strong. But I was tired. Disconnected. Feeling unsupported. Exhausted from being the ‘pillar of the family’.
Then came a moment - a quiet, painful moment when I looked into my daughter’s eyes - when I realised that my version of “protection” was actually holding love back. I was holding on so tightly to ‘safety’ that I had stopped feeling the depth of any real connection with anyone. Not with myself, and not with those I loved.
My ego had completely taken over. Arrogance had become a most effective mask. I believed that that would stop others from hurting me. I was done with the hurt of rejection. I was done with not being seen for who I really was. I was done with people’s judgments and assumptions of me. But in that moment of deep pain I also saw clearly that I had only myself to blame for all of this.
I thought that pushing people away, including, and more specifically, my loved ones, would stop the inner pain. How wrong I was! The strong walls, and the hard shell of this Cancerian, made the soft inner crab feel so, so alone, so isolated, so lost. I made choices that I now see were so harmful for my soul, so deeply disrespectful of my family. I wanted to shout out to the world, ‘Can you not see how much love I have within me to give? Why are you judging me for the masks I wear because I am so scared?’ Only my pillow knew of my nightly tears. Only my pillow knew how very deeply I missed being the mother I wished to be because I had to be the pillar of support for the family. I railed silently against this injustice. No one knew, and all they could see were the walls that were getting stronger and bigger.
That’s when the shift started.
And it didn’t happen overnight. It was slow, uncertain. Filled with scepticism, self-doubt, inner struggle. I knew I was changing, but I didn’t know into what. My ego kept warning me to be careful, to not drop my guard, to continue being in control. ‘People will see your vulnerability as weakness’, ‘Are you sure you want them to see how sensitive you really are?’ ‘Is this a temporary madness you are going to deeply regret?’ Ego constantly urged me not to let it go, pushing me to believe it was my best friend.
I started dipping into meditation, reading spiritual books, learning to sit with myself in silence, holding space for myself as I wept uncontrollably for hours, not knowing why I was crying, but certain that I was working through a very deep and very old pain. My children and husband were the anchors I held onto, like a drowning person clinging to rocks. At first, it all felt a bit strange. But over time, I started hearing the deeper voice inside - the one I’d ignored for so long. The one I had heard so clearly as a child. The one I had taken for granted.
And what I found underneath the arrogance and the hard walls was the part of me that was hurting. Feeling rejected. Needing to prove its worth. Desperately seeking nurturance. The part that was scared and wanting to be seen, held, loved. And supported. The part that just wanted to stop being strong, and responsible, and duty-bound.
Motherhood taught me a lot. It showed up clearly the lack of patience. Lack of compassion. It reflected my fears, my need to control, my own unhealed places. Marriage did too, teaching me that love isn’t about fixing or guarding anything, but about seeing and being seen. Beyond the masks.
One step at a time, I started letting go. Letting love in. Letting myself be more real. Letting the love inside speak. Taking the risk of being vulnerable. Showing up for myself, instead of being apologetic or rebellious.
On this journey, I found my divine core, but I lost many whom I had once called friends. I began to see that they didn’t want me to change. They were comfortable with the superficial, hard-as-nails, false version of me. Spirituality threatened what they had been conditioned to believe. And so, rejection again! What a pattern this has been in my life. But for the first time, I did not allow rejection to make me second guess my process. The opening up and letting go had already begun making vital inner shifts, and my awakening divine core made me see that these were real, meaningful, necessary shifts. They were taking me towards a transformation process that I had to trust without question.
So I lost friends, but I gained real connections with my family. And I awakened to the presence of my Cosmic Master whom I chose to lovingly call JadeFire. And when all the false friends had left, that empty space was filled by my family of friends, those who see who I am within, and don’t care when the masks come up from time to time. Those who continue to come ever closer to me even when old habits occasionally rear up and make me push them back.
What a journey it has been! Three decades filled with steps - some excruciatingly painful, others uncomfortably exposing my flaws. They have all taught me profound truths about myself, my divinity, my soul’s purpose, and my soul’s journey. I’ve learned that my true strength doesn’t lie in holding everything together, in fixing things (and people); it’s in being open. Humble. Honest. Letting myself be changed by love. By life. I’ve learned that nothing has happened to me; everything has happened for me.
These days, I don’t pretend to have all the answers. But I know how to listen to my heart. I know how to soften when my inner child wants to shut down. And I know that every day brings a joyful opportunity to wake up a little more, to be present, to be kind, to be real. To be unapologetically ME.
These days, I’ve come to see that it’s not the events that shape our experience, but how we perceive them. Our reactions aren't really to the events—they’re to our interpretations of them. And those interpretations are shaped by the stories we carry within us.
These days, I know that no one is to blame for anything—not even me. I’ve come to recognize my soul contracts, and to see how essential each one has been for my growth. I’m deeply humbled by the love of the souls who agreed to enter into these contracts with me, for me. They’ve been mirrors, teachers, and catalysts, each playing their role with divine precision. What once felt like pain, betrayal, unfairness, lack of support, now reveals the flawless sacred design. And for that, I hold deep gratitude.
This has been my journey. It’s not a unique one, but it’s mine. And every step has shaped me. If you’re walking a path like mine, if my story has resonated with you in some small way, just know this: it’s okay not to have it all together. Your growth is in your honesty. Your power is in your vulnerability. And your awakening is in the willingness to see yourself clearly, and love yourself anyway.
Click here to know more about my channeled book And JadeFire Said
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